Family, the Ultimate Crucible of Spiritual Formation
Will shrinking families cause spiritual decline?
The trend toward smaller families in the United States and around the globe continues to accelerate.1 This isn't just a demographic curiosity or a late-stage Capitalist anomaly, it has profound implications for spiritual formation. Fewer siblings, fewer children, and more isolated elders mean fewer natural opportunities to be shaped through the God-ordained grit of family life. The household has long been the first arena where Christians are sanctified—through service, patience, humility, and endurance.2 When that arena shrinks, so too do our daily opportunities for spiritual apprenticeship.
My experience, as a dad of three (soon to be four), is that parenthood is a marathon of selfless obedience. I’m not the first to say it. Parenthood demands a rhythm of giving that often receives no thanks, mirroring the gospel’s call to love without condition. Modern parenting is especially difficult. Modern parents are overwhelmed by expert advice and digital ideals, creating a climate of anxiety rather than wisdom.3 Social media has also implanted an image of the platonic-ideal of family life. It’s painted in beiges and maroons, kids who wear whites that never get dirty, endless blue sky picnics, and square meals artfully plated on rustic dish ware.
Being a sibling is also an exercise in bearing with one another, as time shifts us through the good, the ugly, and the beautiful. I have four siblings. There have been times where those relationships thrive and times where they languish. The ebb and flow of sibling relationships, especially in adulthood, tests our endurance and reveals the limits of sentimental family ideals. We are geographically spread out, in different stages of life, and have the added pressure of two parents experiencing early dementia. It’s not an ideal situation and there have been seasons where it may be easier to simply walk away from those relationships.
Then there are parental relationships.4 Parenting parents has been the hardest part of growing up and consequently, the most challenging piece of my faith. Both my parents showed signs of dementia in their 50s. Now, they are under my care. It’s a responsibility I didn’t want or take lightly. But it felt like the right thing to do. The rewards for this kind of caretaking are minimal. The costs far outweigh the benefits. There are days where I receive hateful and angry texts from my parents (a symptom of dementia). There are other days where my family questions my motives in bringing my parents to the town where I live, so that I could better care for them. There are days where no immediate family member (except my wife) believes I am doing the right thing for my parents. I have cried countless times as I pass the apartments where my parents now live. There will come a time when I am spoon feeding my parents as they stare back blankly at me. I have become my parents’ parent at a very young age and the loneliness of being a dad is the same, whether it’s for your kids or for your parents.
As I navigate the painful role reversal of becoming the parent to my parents, I’m reminded of Christ’s own teaching: Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. (Luke 9:23, NKJV). Daily cross-bearing doesn’t often happen in glamorous mission fields or public ministry. It happens in spoon-feeding your father. In returning hate with grace. In enduring suspicion for doing what is right. This is the theology of suffering—not as a mere obstacle to overcome, but as a daily vocation through which we are conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29).
All of these family experiences have been incredible areas of spiritual growth. The family remains the most consistent crucible for forming a Christlike servant’s heart. Why is that?
Families are places where we can take on the role of a “servant”. There is no greater place in life than family if you are attempting to cultivate the heart of a servant. As a child, we took for granted our parent’s roles in keeping the home together. As adults, we inherit an incredible model of parenthood that teaches us to feed and clothe our children, to provide for their needs, and to create an emotional support system.
By embracing the role of parent, you also embrace the unending lack of gratitude from your children. Your time is a complete gift. Likewise, we sometimes have siblings who do not recognize the lengths we go to to draw close to them or serve them. Our acts of grace are treasures stored in Heaven.
Families require consistency. The physical rigor of fatherhood takes its toll. Wake up early. Make breakfast. Finish the dishes. Wash clothes. Fix the door jamb. Build a bookshelf. These activities are all learning experiences for me and demand my physical and intellectual strength.
But we are what we do consistently. When we commit to something and that thing becomes dependent on us, we have no choice but to remain faithful to that commitment. That is why I love fatherhood.
I read to my kids every night because it’s what their developing brains need. I feed my kids healthy snacks because that’s what their bodies need. I discuss the Bible with them because that’s what their spirits need.
In all of those activities, I am becoming a person who has a servant’s heart. And when I can incorporate spiritual disciplines like reading Scripture and prayer, those things become part of our family and consequently a consistent part of who I am.
Families require emotional maturity. There is no other sphere of life where I am more tested emotionally than with my kids, my siblings or my parents. Those closest to us have the power to say the most damaging words.
In many cases, a close sibling may be dealing with emotional baggage or trauma alongside of us—thus, we have two sets of similar baggage butting up against one another which can cause immense emotional friction.
My favorite Bible verse to meditate on during these times of friction is: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV). Some translations use ‘self-control’ instead of ‘sound mind’. That God’s Spirit can indwell and provide us with emotional self-control is an empowering thought. When we are dealing with emotionally difficult situations, it’s powerful to remember that the Spirit of God does not lose control and that the Spirit lives within us.
So what happens as families shrink? We lose the daily friction that once functioned as a school of sanctification. Without the sibling to forgive, the aging parent to honor, or the child to discipline and nurture, we lose built-in pathways to maturity. Scripture assumes we will learn how to bear with one another in close, unavoidable proximity. Paul’s household codes in Ephesians and Colossians, or Peter’s exhortations to husbands and wives, all presuppose the sanctifying role of family. When these structures weaken, we must ask: where will this formation now occur? We lose some of the friction in our relationships that was once a locus of spiritual growth and development. It’s a lamentable state of affairs. Yet, we also have communities around us that we can cultivate.
The answer, in part, must be found in the Body of Christ. The New Testament never makes blood relations the ultimate bond; in fact, Jesus redefines family altogether: For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother. (Matthew 12:50, NKJV). But building spiritual family takes intention and grit. Communities that feel like family require not just potlucks and Bible studies, but the kind of long-haul fidelity that doesn't fracture at the first offense. That is where the church has its great opportunity—and also its great vulnerability in an age allergic to commitment.
The closer we can grow to the community of Christ-followers, the closer we get to being able to see who we are and who we are becoming. Community is one of the richest grounds for self-discovery. It’s one of the richest grounds for identifying areas of emotional and spiritual growth within us.
In place of all of those shrinking immediate family relationship that shape us, we cultivate a community that feels like family. The hallmarks of a family-style community are closeness (physical and emotional), consistent interaction, and conflict. Yes, conflict is a hallmark of family! And in a community unrelated by blood, it’s hard to replicate family because the ties are more tenuous. In the midst of conflict, these communities can fracture. At these times, it’s important to remember that the community of God is thicker than blood.
A note on AI: Seeking Christ is a sacred act, one that we are not willing to cede to artificial intelligence. We uncompromisingly do not use artificial intelligence to write our posts. We hope that the genuineness of our writing bleeds through every paragraph.
Roser, M. (2014, February 20). The global decline of the Fertility Rate. Our World in Data. https://ourworldindata.org/global-decline-fertility-rate?
Smith, J. (2020, December 8). Transmission of faith in families: The influence of religious ideology. Sociology of religion. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8204683/
For instance, this study shows how social media affects standards of motherood and maternal well-being. Molly K. Tate (2023): The Impact of Social Comparison via SocialMedia on Maternal Mental Health, within the Context of the Intensive MotheringIdeology: A Scoping Review of the Literature, Issues in Mental Health Nursing, DOI:10.1080/01612840.2023.2238813. https://www.researchgate.net/deref/https%3A%2F%2Fdoi.org%2F10.1080%2F01612840.2023.2238813?_tp=eyJjb250ZXh0Ijp7ImZpcnN0UGFnZSI6InB1YmxpY2F0aW9uIiwicGFnZSI6InB1YmxpY2F0aW9uIn19
Not within the scope of this article but sociological studies show us that parental religiosity matters to religious transmission. This is something to explore in future substack posts. “Parental religiosity is consistently found to be the single strongest predictor of child religiosity over the life course.” Smith, J. (2020, December 8). Also interesting to note is that denominational affiliations are not as important in transmission of religion to future generation, rather, it’s the religious ideology that matters most.